Posted in mental health, Polyamory, slice of life, Therapy, Uncategorized, Update

“All you need is love, love, love is all you need”

So its out there. My separation from my wife, after 7 years together we decided to call it quits. That’s what’s been going on in my absence. Now with every end, there is a beginning, A rebirth if you will.

What’s next? Well, I’m diving back into the wonderful world of polyamory. I met this amazing Woman and her husband. I meet “Red” on Instagram. As I sat watching the “World of Warcraft” movie, out of sheer boredom I decided to post a picture update. And she saw it and commented. What magic words did she use? “I’m on WOW right now lol” and with those words, my life changed. We started talking and within a few hours, it felt like I had known her my entire life. We share a love for almost everything, Games, books, movies, and history. We hit it off. This happened so organically before I knew it I was in love. we have talked for hours every day since then.

Now, what about the husband and my wife? THATS CHEATING! nope sorry it wasn’t. how can I say that? Well ever since I started dating at 15 I have always been in an open relationship. My wife and I were having problems. I am extremely loving and affectionate. I need Physical love and attention and a lot of it. My wife….not so much (now I am simplifying that down a million % I know she wouldn’t want our shit aired out) so out of love, she tried something new to her “Polyamory.” What is Polly you ask:

The practice, state or ability to have more than
one sexual loving relationship at the same time, with the full
knowledge and consent of all partners involved.
Now even tho we decided to try it, I was never actively looking for anyone. When “Red” came along I went to my wife for approval and her blessing. She gave it to me. Over the next few weeks, both relationships grew. Having that excitement of a new relationship showed me how I had been slacking in taking care of my wife. It was amazing. They were talking to each other and all was well.
Now my wife and I have always been opposites. I’m loud and outgoing, she is shy and quiet. She goes to church and I am a metal head. She is in recovery and I’m a pothead. We get along so well. we worked, I don’t know how but we worked. That said the stress of Issues we had before and what I can only assume the guilt of the church and social norms, got to her. So after 7 years, we decided that it was time to adjust our relationship. We love each other so much and we understood we both needed things the other person couldn’t give us. She left in November.
Now Back to “Red” okey red is also married and was recently Polly when we started talking. Our relationship grew. It felt like she was made for me. From our likes and hobbies to our sexual kinks. We goofed around and play games together. Then we met in real life. She flew out for a week. That week changed everything. My wife gave me the ok and I got the kids out of town. (you would not believe how hard I had to work for that one) It was unbelievable. We worked, and we worked so damn well. I did something I never got to do before, I collared her. She agreed to be mine. At that moment we were bound to each other.
So what about her husband? Well, we get along super well. It’s scary just how alike we are. 9/10 times we crack the same joke. We love the same movies. He’s a gamer. I went out of my way at the beginning of mine and Red relationship to talk to him and build that friendship. I wanted him to like me, after all, I was sleeping with his wife lol. I respect him, he respects me. We are both extremely confident and secure in who we are and our dick size that there is no stupid macho chest puffing. He is an amazing guy and a great father. I respect the hell out of him.
Ok now that I caught you up to speed (remember this is a summary, not the whole story) where does that leave me? Well with my wife gone and 4 kids, there was no way I could make it on my own where I am. Red and her husband and I decided to give this a shot. Were becoming a Triad. The gang and I are moving to WV. Taking a leap and stepping out of my comfort zone. I have never been to the east coast, hell the farthest east I’ve been is Reno NV. This is the scariest thing I have ever done But at the same time one of the most exciting. I have the potential of having the relationship and big family I have always wanted. I believe in love. “Love is a many splendid thing,
love lifts us up where we belong, all you need is love!”
Posted in mental health, slice of life, Therapy, Update

Communication breakdown, Its always the same, I’m having a nervous breakdown, Drive me insane! (Sorry for the lack of communication).

Now this is the story all about how
My life got flipped, turned upside down
And I’d like to take a minute just sit right there
I’ll tell you how I became a train wreck

I was doing so well. Was on top of everything, and pushing my self hard. Then the fates stepped in and smacked me back into place. Life got hard. Not “oh man a friend canceled on me” hard but “Hey you’re getting evicted if you don’t come up with $800”  hard. So I do what I always do weather the storm and fight. ended up borrowing some money ($400) from my dad. Easy peasy right. I wish. The Price was almost too much to pay. I love my dad don’t get me wrong. The guy can be an asshole. He spent the 3 hrs I was with him, to tear me down and remind me just how shit, I am, my life is, and how I’m not worth the skin on my back. real fun times. Now I got the money I needed albeit emotionally broken but alive.

Next day I put out that fire. Cue the next level boss. My apartments call me and let me know I need to fill out paperwork or I’m getting evicted if it’s not done by Friday (don’t ask why or what I still have no idea) So I get them what they need and all is good. So it seems. Next day BOOM power goes out on a Friday at 1pm. I didn’t get a notice or anything (that anyone in my house wanted to share with me anyway) again had to borrow money. Ugh, I hate having to do that.  now all emergencies are done I can relax a bit.  Nope.

Anyways the problems after that are much more personal than id like to share atm. That said I’m trying to keep my self-alive. I haven’t forgotten about this. I will be back and Stronger than ever.

Posted in mental health, slice of life, Therapy

A weird way to react to Mothers Day. (how June Cleaver saved my life)

I woke up with a lot of weird feelings today. I really don’t know if this will be published. I’m just going to go through the emotions with you. My mother and I are not that close. I try not to let all the shit from growing up affect me now. That is so easy to say, Very hard to do. I’m allowed to feel, right? I guess the hardest thing for me is growing up, My mom wasn’t there for me. Now she was present, sometimes. Drugs played such a huge part in my childhood. My Mom did and sold a lot of drugs. I don’t fault her there, tho I know some of you will. My mother tried to do the best she could. … I guess. Ugh, this is so hard to write today. Part of me Loves her for something, Life I guess.?. I know now that she’s clean. She’s trying to move on and I forgive her. This story is and isn’t about her. I guess the reason for all the internal struggle, lies in me. Right, great insight Karl, You come up with that all by your self. Okay, self-depreciation aside. I think what hurts the most is all the people I put my love into growing up.  I put a lot of trust and love into others growing up. Friends moms, a girlfriends mom, Stepmom’s and at the end of the day I feel like I have no one.  Don’t get me wrong my mom is alive and doing ok (bad health) but I don’t have that connection.  No one I can talk to. No one to run to when life gets hard. It gets hard a lot. Days like today make me really feel alone. like I’m drifting through the void and there is no light. Now I know Mommy issues are so attractive right.

I’ve learned through the years, my trust was misplaced.  The Love I gave away so freely was never returned. I respected these women, I thank them for everything they did for me. But, at the end of the day, I was not their child. The connection only went one way.  They are at no fault. This isn’t them being mean. This is just life. I was not their child. The Image of a mother I thrust upon them, I was looking for a mother. In the movies, I would have been excepted, loved unconditionally, taken under the wing and the empty hole would be filled. This isn’t a movie. Today I sit here and type this out, I feel it all. The anger, the sadness, Regret, and loss. I feel like I lost out on something special.

At 34 with four kids and a self-examining tendency. I try to be there for my kids. I know I am nowhere near perfect. I have my own flaws. No one is perfect, but I try every day to give my kids what I was missing. Unconditional love, Understanding, and someone they can come to with whatever, whenever. I try to be the Television parent.  Maybe this is all ABC’s fault for the TGIF in the 90’s. I grew up watching these Loving and understanding parents flood their tv children with all the attention and love and understanding you could take without gagging. I don’t know if taking my parenting queue’s from tv was the best idea (blame my parents) but at the end of the day, it was the best I had to offer. Family Matters, Step by Step, Full House these were the parents that raised me. They didn’t do half bad. Growing up I was anti-drug, Pro womans rights, non-discriminatory, and always willing to hear the other side of an argument. they taught me more about life than any “real” person in my upbringing. Guess this should have been called “How June Cleaver saved my life”

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Posted in Motivation, Uncategorized, Update, Writing Chalenge, Writing Doodle

Trying something new.

Okay, so I’ve been completely obsessed with skillshare as of late. I decided to check out a “class” about writing challenges. The object is to write for anywhere from five to fifteen minutes on a prompt. The first day is “Today I noticed” and I go on a ten-minute rant on hot dogs. I can’t wait to see what the next one is. Please if you like the idea please join in and leave your writing doodle in the comments.

Posted in Motivation, Writing Chalenge, Writing Doodle

Today I noticed… (Day 1/10)

It’s the bread. The bread of a Costco hot dog is what really sets them apart. Its the soft and steamy bun and the crisp snap of the hotdog. Then there are the sesame seeds. Overall its a perfect combo of soft and firm. Moist and juicy that play so well together. Now I like my hotdog plain. Nothing to distract from the taste. There are two things I love on my hotdogs: Cheese and chilly. Caspers hotdog is a close second to the Costco hotdog. The crisp of a Caspers dog is unmatched. Now I’m sorry Hebrew National and ballpark your not gonna cut it. That said I think no one here will argue that any hot dog BBQ and cooked to well done, taste amazing. Now the only thing for me to try is a real New York street dog. I also hear Chicago do not fuck around with there hot dogs. Until I actually try them Costco is king.

Posted in Motivation, slice of life, Uncategorized

It’s something unpredictable, but in the end is right. I hope you had the time of your life.

I really wish I could write. Now I know, that’s what I’m doing now, but I want to write like my heroes. I wish the words would flow in the cascade of the beauty like that of Neil Gaiman, Or in the unabashed and unfiltered way of the Gonzo journalist Hunter S. Thompson.  I do not want to be them, only wish my words came out like there’s. I can only hope to one day be happy with what and how I write. My grammar is horrible, My spelling is downright a crime, and lastly, my imagination is nowhere to be found. Now I’m not just sitting down and wishing. I am doing the work. this blog is a huge step in that. something I always thought about doing. I remember reading an interview with someone and he was asked (and I’m paraphrasing here) “Do you only write when Inspired?”  and the author answered “Yes. luckily inspiration hits every day between 9am and 2 pm.”  I always loved that and it has stuck with me for a long time. So now I try my hardest to make this time. I wait till after the kids are all off to school and the house is quiet. then I sit here looking at this snow write page,  wondering what in god’s name I’m going to put on it. I never have a plan, I think that shows. The good news this blog is for me so I’m not scared to just throw whatever is on my mind at the screen and see what sticks. I’m happy with it so far. I do plan on taking some classes in writing and journalism. Now I don’t want to write a novel or become a Pulitzer prized writer by any means. I just want the words to flow out of me onto the screen in a cascade if vocabulary beauty. Is that too much to ask for?

Posted in Motivation, slice of life, Uncategorized, Update

“Gonna try with a little help from my friends”

Well that last post was a joy ride, am I right. Well where do i go from there. the thing i love most about this process, is i never know what I’m going to end with. I sit here and tell my self, “Self do your thing.” and I get what I get.

Phase 2: Taking action.
So i started working with some on. We shall call her B. I meet with B in a few days to discuss our next step. That makes my next step trying to figure out what my next step should be. Adulating is hard. I wish i had faith in my work. Sure i know i can do what ever needs to be done or at least fake it till i make it. When it come time to talk money i freeze. I under value myself because what i can do seems so simple to me. So when i look at making a living i say to myself  “Who would pay X for that? Not me.” but I’m not the one in need of the services. so it’s a tough area for me. That said i do need to make a living at this so i have to come up with something.

Project 2: All in.

The other thing im working on involves my more people. I setting up my own super group of friends that i feel need to be shared with the world. I want my friends to do well. To grow and succeed, and i want to do everything i can to help them. so were starting up a Multimedia company. Will be launching with a Soft launch of our website. I want to launch the website in September, just as every one goes back to school.  Next will come the podcast this one will be fun just in the experimental phase trying to figure out what we are what our voice is. Last part of my three-part plan to take over the world, um i mean to launch will be the YouTube channel. this one is the end goal because i have no idea what the hell is going on at YouTube like at all. So will leave that one last. All in all im really excited to work with these people and excited to share them with you (trust me these people are awesome.)

So there it is my master plan all laid out before you. but given my latest analytics I don’t have to worry about any one reading these so this is the safest place for them. Now im off to do my parental duties. wish me luck and as always may the swine guide your path.