Posted in mental health, slice of life, Therapy, Uncategorized, Update

“The words of the prophets are written on the subway walls And tenement halls And whispered in the sounds of silence…”

****I go real on this post. so TRIGGER warring******

I have not forgotten about you. The sound of silence you have been herring is me actually working. Stepping out of my comfort zone. A few weeks ago I decided i was going to do something. I didn’t know what it was. All i knew is i had this urge to create that i had been suppressing for so long. I can remember the first indecent. I was 8 or 9 we were living on star and 2nd street, in Oakley California (just a mile up the road maybe ill add a picture of this house tomorrow ((if you don’t see this pic its cause i haven’t updated it but come back in a few hrs if you wanna see it.)) As i as saying i was 8 or 9 and we had just gotten back from shopping. We picked up a bunch of fruit, this is weird cause its the only memory i have of this much fruit ever in our house, I digress. So we have all this fruit apples, oranges, and bananas. I started putting them in the bowl with the apples on the bottom and the oranges on top, I broke apart the bundle of bananas up and put them around the bowl. Think shrimp cocktail. My step mom walked in and said something. Nothing mean or hurtful just brought attention to me and i hatted it. I was scared. something scared me, no idea what it was, or what was said i just know i was ashamed and didn’t want anyone to think i was………gay. wow… wtf no idea what just happened here. I am trying to go back there in my head. Go through the memory and see if i can recall any details. but all i keep feeling is i didn’t want anyone to know i WAS gay. you see when i was younger, so much younger than to-day. Sorry i had to. when i was growing up i suffered a lot, i mean a lot, of sexual abuse. We had two neighbors that raped me and preformed sexual acts with/on me. One of these neighbors was an adult male. I do not remember much about before or after the indecent. i can remember everything as it happened. crystal clear high-definition, down to the smell of the sheets. This said i have always wondered/worried if i was gay because of this indecent. i didn’t tell a soul about this until after my twenties. Growing up i was always defensive of homosexuals, witch wasn’t easy when your dad is religious. I took this stance because what if i was gay. I mean i did have a dick in my ass. Yeah i said it! I had another man penis in me was i gay? is that what makes you gay? now i know all these questions are stupid in the 21st century but i was 5 or 6 when this happened. The other sexual assault kept happening till i was 11ish. Directing it back to the fruit after that therapy session. At the time i thought my dad would think i was gay so i dumped all the fruit out and threw it back in the bowl in a mess. From that moment on i always suppressed my artistic side. I was already the fat kid, the poor kid, the sloppy kid, the stupid kid i didn’t want to add another target to my back. now me being the genius that i was in the 90’s decided to grow a NKOTB rat tail…..School was not a fun, happy place for me lol. Now jumping back in time to today. I am who i am. I Have decided to stop letting things hold me back. I decided to act. That’s why i have been away from the blog. I have been working, Planning. Wanna know whats funny. I was am afraid to tell my dad anything cause of the potential Judgment and doubt. There is no place in my head for doubt at this moment. I have known idea what im doing or if it will work. I can only take a chance and Take the Leap and hope i land on my feet. You miss 100% of the chances you don’t take.

Well wow that went some where I did not expect. There is a huge part of me that does not want to delete this, but there is a part of me that dose so I am going to listen to that voice. Lets see if it was the good one or bad. I am sorry if you didn’t like this one, but lets face it why are you still reading. To you the one who made it this far. Thank you. Thank you for excepting me and all my weirdness. I thank every one who reads and likes my post. It helps that kid inside know its OK to do you.

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Posted in Art, poetry, Uncategorized

Welcome to the order

The eyes of the swine are upon you
searching for truth, digging for the roots,
That cause such evil inside you.

In the dark they haunt you,
Threw the forest they will find you,
Running away won’t change you
And Starting again wont save you.

Welcome to the order,
Drop down to your knees,
Open up your eyes
And welcome to the time of the swine

Digging through the filth,
Eating at the flesh,
Enter Into the mud,
just like all the rest.

Welcome to the order,
Drop down to your knees,
Open up your eyes
And welcome to the time of the swine

The eyes of the swine are upon you,
Digging for the truth, searching at the roots
For the evil inside me….

Posted in poetry, Uncategorized

Big Thoughts for little worries.

Who are we,
and what am I,
the thoughts of broken promises,
that i made upon my self

Trying and failing,
the Hills turn to glass.
as i slip then i slide,
only to wind up on my ass.

The towering inferno,
that is my depression.
Makes a lovely little nest,
for me to collect all my problems in,
and treat them like they’er guest.

Who are we,
and what am I?
The emptiness of my chest,
is drowned out only by the screaming,
coming from my head.

 

Posted in Motivation, slice of life, Uncategorized, Update

You know I’m still standing, better than I ever did, Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid, I’m still standing after all this time, Picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind!

I have not forgotten about you!!! I have been working on stuff every day. New videos, Post, Pictures. Always trying to be creating these days, and its an amazing feeling. My head is so alive with ideas (OK i think that’s the weed but what ever it keeps me motivated.) I do need to get better with actually documenting here what i am doing. For example yesterday me and Liam Filmed a “LootCrate Unboxing video” this am i eddied it and it’s currently being uploaded. Been posting to Instagram at least twice a day (on good days) and at least once most days. I am still new to all this. Learning Adobe has been easy i guess.? The coding takes more brain power than I have most days so that is slowing me down a lot. Yesterday got my fall guide for college classes. really think im going to do it. Im going back to school! unfortunately im more Rodney Dangerfield and less Adam Sandler….. wait no that is the Better Option anyways. So i want to take a edditing class and a video production class this fall and im thinking coding in the winter. Its a huge comitment for me with Lando and all but a rolling stone gaters no moss right. Just Keep Swimming! Thank you for sticking with me. It has beem a fun ride and we really havent even started yet! im excited for where this is going. and i want to thank you all for the motivation and encuregment.

Posted in Art, poetry, Uncategorized

Just like Icarus

I flew to high I melted my wings
Just like Icarus I’ve lost my dreams
Fallen so hard, so fast, can’t scream,
But this won’t be the end of me!

For I still believe
That you and I can be free
I don’t care where you have been
Or the lies you had to spin
These broken wings can fly again

We tried so hard, we’ve gone so far,
these broken wings this Busted Heart
This bed is cold, The Nights are dark,
but these memories are the hardest part.

My soul is week, My love runs deep.
But with you i lost my feet,
Like Star cross lovers this shouldn’t Be,
I’m good for you, Your Bad for me.

You took my heart,
At least a piece,
the Broken glass of love cuts deep,
Broken glass Is you and me

We tried so hard, we’ve gone so far,
these broken wings this Busted Heart
This bed is cold, The Nights are dark,
but these memories are the hardest part.

So we flew to high and melted our wings
Just like Icarus We lost our Dreams
Fallen so hard, so fast, cant scream,

So beaten are we

==//==

Posted in slice of life, Uncategorized, Update

It’s my life! It’s now or never, I ain’t gonna live forever, I just want to live while I’m alive!

“Can a man change the stars?”
“Yes William. If he believes enough, a man can do anything!”

― A Knights Tale

   I cant control much in this life. I Cant change how people treat me how they judge me, see me, or even trust me. The only thing i can change is how I choose to respond to such things.

“If we could change ourselves, the tendencies in the world would also change. As a man changes his own nature, so does the attitude of the world change towards him. … We need not wait to see what others do.”

These words have always moved me to better myself. At times its so hard for me to follow through. Get up on time, Do what i need to do, adulting.  Adulting is hard, i have known idea what I am doing. Dose anyone? How do these people do it. It’s a struggle every day just to get 4 kids up and ready to school. I should get an award for the fact i have yet to kill one yet (from not knowing what Im doing or for dealing with their shit.) I think a lot of the struggle comes from my own childhood. I know, I know, “Sigmund Freud’s psychoanalytic theory of personality argues that human behavior is the result of the interactions among three component parts of the mind: the id, ego, and superego.”  There is also the whole nature vs nurture thing. Truth is i had a shitty child hood. Parents were jackasses (They tried so i got to give them that) and do to drugs and continuing cycles my own personal hell was created. That is not what this is about….today. This story has everything to Changing that. I have tried so hard to change my world. I have succeeded and failed many times on this journey. Two steps forward and one step back but i keep going. My kids have a life i never had. In all ways better and in their own ways its rough.  Were poor. We make due but were always living hand to mouth. Even tho i dropped out in the ninth grade and i got my G.E.D in 2006 and worked my ass of to build what i have. I got married Had 2 kids and started working a steady job. 2 steps forward, Then in 08 life sucked. Lost my job like every one else. My wife decided to leave me, one step back. I pulled my self back from a dark place. Wife came back with twins. Took on two more kids. moved to Oregon. Two steps forward. Wife decides she’s done with me again and this time it sticks. I move back to cali. One step backwards, See the pattern. Now i am not complaining, just telling a story. Giving you a peek behind the keys if you will. The long story short, We can only change who we are. Every day i wake up and try to do better than the last. New struggles, old problems they will always be there, we can’t change it. So stop trying. One thing that i found that helps is a line from an Alice Cooper song.

All of my life was a laugh and a joke
And a drink and a smoke
And then I passed out on the floor
Again and again and again and again and again

With a smile and a joke, I manage to get by. I try so hard not to take life Serious. Kids are annoying, the customer is always an Asshole and the only two things you can count on is death and taxes. So why let it get to you. Tomorrow we get to try again. Life is what YOU make it so why not let it be Rainbows and lollipops. No I’m not saying if something sucks  get over it. You have every right to feel, that’s what makes us who we are.  What I am trying to say is It will get better as long as you keep moving forward.

 

Wow i have no idea what that is. I never know whats going to come out when i sit down here. i am not going to edit it. It is what it is. so if you agree or not let me know. please i need some Critiques. I have never written before so any notes are welcome. Thanks for taking some time and reading the ramblings of an idiot.