Now this is the story all about how
My life got flipped, turned upside down
And I’d like to take a minute just sit right there
I’ll tell you how I became a train wreck
I was doing so well. Was on top of everything, and pushing my self hard. Then the fates stepped in and smacked me back into place. Life got hard. Not “oh man a friend canceled on me” hard but “Hey you’re getting evicted if you don’t come up with $800” hard. So I do what I always do weather the storm and fight. ended up borrowing some money ($400) from my dad. Easy peasy right. I wish. The Price was almost too much to pay. I love my dad don’t get me wrong. The guy can be an asshole. He spent the 3 hrs I was with him, to tear me down and remind me just how shit, I am, my life is, and how I’m not worth the skin on my back. real fun times. Now I got the money I needed albeit emotionally broken but alive.
Next day I put out that fire. Cue the next level boss. My apartments call me and let me know I need to fill out paperwork or I’m getting evicted if it’s not done by Friday (don’t ask why or what I still have no idea) So I get them what they need and all is good. So it seems. Next day BOOM power goes out on a Friday at 1pm. I didn’t get a notice or anything (that anyone in my house wanted to share with me anyway) again had to borrow money. Ugh, I hate having to do that. now all emergencies are done I can relax a bit. Nope.
Anyways the problems after that are much more personal than id like to share atm. That said I’m trying to keep my self-alive. I haven’t forgotten about this. I will be back and Stronger than ever.
Okay, so I’ve been completely obsessed with skillshare as of late. I decided to check out a “class” about writing challenges. The object is to write for anywhere from five to fifteen minutes on a prompt. The first day is “Today I noticed” and I go on a ten-minute rant on hot dogs. I can’t wait to see what the next one is. Please if you like the idea please join in and leave your writing doodle in the comments.
Well that last post was a joy ride, am I right. Well where do i go from there. the thing i love most about this process, is i never know what I’m going to end with. I sit here and tell my self, “Self do your thing.” and I get what I get.
Phase 2: Taking action.
So i started working with some on. We shall call her B. I meet with B in a few days to discuss our next step. That makes my next step trying to figure out what my next step should be. Adulating is hard. I wish i had faith in my work. Sure i know i can do what ever needs to be done or at least fake it till i make it. When it come time to talk money i freeze. I under value myself because what i can do seems so simple to me. So when i look at making a living i say to myself “Who would pay X for that? Not me.” but I’m not the one in need of the services. so it’s a tough area for me. That said i do need to make a living at this so i have to come up with something.
Project 2: All in.
The other thing im working on involves my more people. I setting up my own super group of friends that i feel need to be shared with the world. I want my friends to do well. To grow and succeed, and i want to do everything i can to help them. so were starting up a Multimedia company. Will be launching with a Soft launch of our website. I want to launch the website in September, just as every one goes back to school. Next will come the podcast this one will be fun just in the experimental phase trying to figure out what we are what our voice is. Last part of my three-part plan to take over the world, um i mean to launch will be the YouTube channel. this one is the end goal because i have no idea what the hell is going on at YouTube like at all. So will leave that one last. All in all im really excited to work with these people and excited to share them with you (trust me these people are awesome.)
So there it is my master plan all laid out before you. but given my latest analytics I don’t have to worry about any one reading these so this is the safest place for them. Now im off to do my parental duties. wish me luck and as always may the swine guide your path.
****I go real on this post. so TRIGGER warring******
I have not forgotten about you. The sound of silence you have been herring is me actually working. Stepping out of my comfort zone. A few weeks ago I decided i was going to do something. I didn’t know what it was. All i knew is i had this urge to create that i had been suppressing for so long. I can remember the first indecent. I was 8 or 9 we were living on star and 2nd street, in Oakley California (just a mile up the road maybe ill add a picture of this house tomorrow ((if you don’t see this pic its cause i haven’t updated it but come back in a few hrs if you wanna see it.)) As i as saying i was 8 or 9 and we had just gotten back from shopping. We picked up a bunch of fruit, this is weird cause its the only memory i have of this much fruit ever in our house, I digress. So we have all this fruit apples, oranges, and bananas. I started putting them in the bowl with the apples on the bottom and the oranges on top, I broke apart the bundle of bananas up and put them around the bowl. Think shrimp cocktail. My step mom walked in and said something. Nothing mean or hurtful just brought attention to me and i hatted it. I was scared. something scared me, no idea what it was, or what was said i just know i was ashamed and didn’t want anyone to think i was………gay. wow… wtf no idea what just happened here. I am trying to go back there in my head. Go through the memory and see if i can recall any details. but all i keep feeling is i didn’t want anyone to know i WAS gay. you see when i was younger, so much younger than to-day. Sorry i had to. when i was growing up i suffered a lot, i mean a lot, of sexual abuse. We had two neighbors that raped me and preformed sexual acts with/on me. One of these neighbors was an adult male. I do not remember much about before or after the indecent. i can remember everything as it happened. crystal clear high-definition, down to the smell of the sheets. This said i have always wondered/worried if i was gay because of this indecent. i didn’t tell a soul about this until after my twenties. Growing up i was always defensive of homosexuals, witch wasn’t easy when your dad is religious. I took this stance because what if i was gay. I mean i did have a dick in my ass. Yeah i said it! I had another man penis in me was i gay? is that what makes you gay? now i know all these questions are stupid in the 21st century but i was 5 or 6 when this happened. The other sexual assault kept happening till i was 11ish. Directing it back to the fruit after that therapy session. At the time i thought my dad would think i was gay so i dumped all the fruit out and threw it back in the bowl in a mess. From that moment on i always suppressed my artistic side. I was already the fat kid, the poor kid, the sloppy kid, the stupid kid i didn’t want to add another target to my back. now me being the genius that i was in the 90’s decided to grow a NKOTB rat tail…..School was not a fun, happy place for me lol. Now jumping back in time to today. I am who i am. I Have decided to stop letting things hold me back. I decided to act. That’s why i have been away from the blog. I have been working, Planning. Wanna know whats funny. I was am afraid to tell my dad anything cause of the potential Judgment and doubt. There is no place in my head for doubt at this moment. I have known idea what im doing or if it will work. I can only take a chance and Take the Leap and hope i land on my feet. You miss 100% of the chances you don’t take.
Well wow that went some where I did not expect. There is a huge part of me that does not want to delete this, but there is a part of me that dose so I am going to listen to that voice. Lets see if it was the good one or bad. I am sorry if you didn’t like this one, but lets face it why are you still reading. To you the one who made it this far. Thank you. Thank you for excepting me and all my weirdness. I thank every one who reads and likes my post. It helps that kid inside know its OK to do you.
I have not forgotten about you!!! I have been working on stuff every day. New videos, Post, Pictures. Always trying to be creating these days, and its an amazing feeling. My head is so alive with ideas (OK i think that’s the weed but what ever it keeps me motivated.) I do need to get better with actually documenting here what i am doing. For example yesterday me and Liam Filmed a “LootCrate Unboxing video” this am i eddied it and it’s currently being uploaded. Been posting to Instagram at least twice a day (on good days) and at least once most days. I am still new to all this. Learning Adobe has been easy i guess.? The coding takes more brain power than I have most days so that is slowing me down a lot. Yesterday got my fall guide for college classes. really think im going to do it. Im going back to school! unfortunately im more Rodney Dangerfield and less Adam Sandler….. wait no that is the Better Option anyways. So i want to take a edditing class and a video production class this fall and im thinking coding in the winter. Its a huge comitment for me with Lando and all but a rolling stone gaters no moss right. Just Keep Swimming! Thank you for sticking with me. It has beem a fun ride and we really havent even started yet! im excited for where this is going. and i want to thank you all for the motivation and encuregment.
“Can a man change the stars?”
“Yes William. If he believes enough, a man can do anything!”
― A Knights Tale
I cant control much in this life. I Cant change how people treat me how they judge me, see me, or even trust me. The only thing i can change is how I choose to respond to such things.
“If we could change ourselves, the tendencies in the world would also change. As a man changes his own nature, so does the attitude of the world change towards him. … We need not wait to see what others do.”
These words have always moved me to better myself. At times its so hard for me to follow through. Get up on time, Do what i need to do, adulting. Adulting is hard, i have known idea what I am doing. Dose anyone? How do these people do it. It’s a struggle every day just to get 4 kids up and ready to school. I should get an award for the fact i have yet to kill one yet (from not knowing what Im doing or for dealing with their shit.) I think a lot of the struggle comes from my own childhood. I know, I know, “Sigmund Freud’s psychoanalytic theory of personality argues that human behavior is the result of the interactions among three component parts of the mind: the id, ego, and superego.” There is also the whole nature vs nurture thing. Truth is i had a shitty child hood. Parents were jackasses (They tried so i got to give them that) and do to drugs and continuing cycles my own personal hell was created. That is not what this is about….today. This story has everything to Changing that. I have tried so hard to change my world. I have succeeded and failed many times on this journey. Two steps forward and one step back but i keep going. My kids have a life i never had. In all ways better and in their own ways its rough. Were poor. We make due but were always living hand to mouth. Even tho i dropped out in the ninth grade and i got my G.E.D in 2006 and worked my ass of to build what i have. I got married Had 2 kids and started working a steady job. 2 steps forward, Then in 08 life sucked. Lost my job like every one else. My wife decided to leave me, one step back. I pulled my self back from a dark place. Wife came back with twins. Took on two more kids. moved to Oregon. Two steps forward. Wife decides she’s done with me again and this time it sticks. I move back to cali. One step backwards, See the pattern. Now i am not complaining, just telling a story. Giving you a peek behind the keys if you will. The long story short, We can only change who we are. Every day i wake up and try to do better than the last. New struggles, old problems they will always be there, we can’t change it. So stop trying. One thing that i found that helps is a line from an Alice Cooper song.
All of my life was a laugh and a joke
And a drink and a smoke
And then I passed out on the floor
Again and again and again and again and again
With a smile and a joke, I manage to get by. I try so hard not to take life Serious. Kids are annoying, the customer is always an Asshole and the only two things you can count on is death and taxes. So why let it get to you. Tomorrow we get to try again. Life is what YOU make it so why not let it be Rainbows and lollipops. No I’m not saying if something sucks get over it. You have every right to feel, that’s what makes us who we are. What I am trying to say is It will get better as long as you keep moving forward.
Wow i have no idea what that is. I never know whats going to come out when i sit down here. i am not going to edit it. It is what it is. so if you agree or not let me know. please i need some Critiques. I have never written before so any notes are welcome. Thanks for taking some time and reading the ramblings of an idiot.
I let procrastination win. I gave my self an excuse and I ran with it. I am sorry. No i am not apologizing to you, the reader, but to myself. I did not start this for you (but thank you for reading it) I started this to see if i could make my self do something. With Lando home from school, it was a logical excuse to forgive my self for not doing the work. Just sitting in front of the computer and forcing my self to write something today. Making this a habit. Small steps in a long journey.
last two days i have made myself follow a schedule. first get the kids up. if the alarm wakes me up, and not Lando, then my day starts at 7 am. After kids are out the door i start my house work. Should be about 10 am now and I let my self play some games (Ark is life.) Around 11/11:30 i go on a walk. take pictures and see what i can just create. today i got to see Turtles, a lot of turtles in the lake next to my house. it was cool to see. Now its lunch time. Around 1 in the afternoon i will sit here and just see what comes out. This gives me a solid hr to do something before Liam and Lando get home a little after two. After that its in the hands of the gods.
So the lesson i learned? STOP MAKING EXCUSES and DO THE WORK!