Posted in mental health, slice of life, Therapy

A weird way to react to Mothers Day. (how June Cleaver saved my life)

I woke up with a lot of weird feelings today. I really don’t know if this will be published. I’m just going to go through the emotions with you. My mother and I are not that close. I try not to let all the shit from growing up affect me now. That is so easy to say, Very hard to do. I’m allowed to feel, right? I guess the hardest thing for me is growing up, My mom wasn’t there for me. Now she was present, sometimes. Drugs played such a huge part in my childhood. My Mom did and sold a lot of drugs. I don’t fault her there, tho I know some of you will. My mother tried to do the best she could. … I guess. Ugh, this is so hard to write today. Part of me Loves her for something, Life I guess.?. I know now that she’s clean. She’s trying to move on and I forgive her. This story is and isn’t about her. I guess the reason for all the internal struggle, lies in me. Right, great insight Karl, You come up with that all by your self. Okay, self-depreciation aside. I think what hurts the most is all the people I put my love into growing up.  I put a lot of trust and love into others growing up. Friends moms, a girlfriends mom, Stepmom’s and at the end of the day I feel like I have no one.  Don’t get me wrong my mom is alive and doing ok (bad health) but I don’t have that connection.  No one I can talk to. No one to run to when life gets hard. It gets hard a lot. Days like today make me really feel alone. like I’m drifting through the void and there is no light. Now I know Mommy issues are so attractive right.

I’ve learned through the years, my trust was misplaced.  The Love I gave away so freely was never returned. I respected these women, I thank them for everything they did for me. But, at the end of the day, I was not their child. The connection only went one way.  They are at no fault. This isn’t them being mean. This is just life. I was not their child. The Image of a mother I thrust upon them, I was looking for a mother. In the movies, I would have been excepted, loved unconditionally, taken under the wing and the empty hole would be filled. This isn’t a movie. Today I sit here and type this out, I feel it all. The anger, the sadness, Regret, and loss. I feel like I lost out on something special.

At 34 with four kids and a self-examining tendency. I try to be there for my kids. I know I am nowhere near perfect. I have my own flaws. No one is perfect, but I try every day to give my kids what I was missing. Unconditional love, Understanding, and someone they can come to with whatever, whenever. I try to be the Television parent.  Maybe this is all ABC’s fault for the TGIF in the 90’s. I grew up watching these Loving and understanding parents flood their tv children with all the attention and love and understanding you could take without gagging. I don’t know if taking my parenting queue’s from tv was the best idea (blame my parents) but at the end of the day, it was the best I had to offer. Family Matters, Step by Step, Full House these were the parents that raised me. They didn’t do half bad. Growing up I was anti-drug, Pro womans rights, non-discriminatory, and always willing to hear the other side of an argument. they taught me more about life than any “real” person in my upbringing. Guess this should have been called “How June Cleaver saved my life”

tgif

Advertisements
Posted in Motivation, slice of life, Uncategorized

It’s something unpredictable, but in the end is right. I hope you had the time of your life.

I really wish I could write. Now I know, that’s what I’m doing now, but I want to write like my heroes. I wish the words would flow in the cascade of the beauty like that of Neil Gaiman, Or in the unabashed and unfiltered way of the Gonzo journalist Hunter S. Thompson.  I do not want to be them, only wish my words came out like there’s. I can only hope to one day be happy with what and how I write. My grammar is horrible, My spelling is downright a crime, and lastly, my imagination is nowhere to be found. Now I’m not just sitting down and wishing. I am doing the work. this blog is a huge step in that. something I always thought about doing. I remember reading an interview with someone and he was asked (and I’m paraphrasing here) “Do you only write when Inspired?”  and the author answered “Yes. luckily inspiration hits every day between 9am and 2 pm.”  I always loved that and it has stuck with me for a long time. So now I try my hardest to make this time. I wait till after the kids are all off to school and the house is quiet. then I sit here looking at this snow write page,  wondering what in god’s name I’m going to put on it. I never have a plan, I think that shows. The good news this blog is for me so I’m not scared to just throw whatever is on my mind at the screen and see what sticks. I’m happy with it so far. I do plan on taking some classes in writing and journalism. Now I don’t want to write a novel or become a Pulitzer prized writer by any means. I just want the words to flow out of me onto the screen in a cascade if vocabulary beauty. Is that too much to ask for?

Posted in Motivation, slice of life, Uncategorized, Update

“Gonna try with a little help from my friends”

Well that last post was a joy ride, am I right. Well where do i go from there. the thing i love most about this process, is i never know what I’m going to end with. I sit here and tell my self, “Self do your thing.” and I get what I get.

Phase 2: Taking action.
So i started working with some on. We shall call her B. I meet with B in a few days to discuss our next step. That makes my next step trying to figure out what my next step should be. Adulating is hard. I wish i had faith in my work. Sure i know i can do what ever needs to be done or at least fake it till i make it. When it come time to talk money i freeze. I under value myself because what i can do seems so simple to me. So when i look at making a living i say to myself  “Who would pay X for that? Not me.” but I’m not the one in need of the services. so it’s a tough area for me. That said i do need to make a living at this so i have to come up with something.

Project 2: All in.

The other thing im working on involves my more people. I setting up my own super group of friends that i feel need to be shared with the world. I want my friends to do well. To grow and succeed, and i want to do everything i can to help them. so were starting up a Multimedia company. Will be launching with a Soft launch of our website. I want to launch the website in September, just as every one goes back to school.  Next will come the podcast this one will be fun just in the experimental phase trying to figure out what we are what our voice is. Last part of my three-part plan to take over the world, um i mean to launch will be the YouTube channel. this one is the end goal because i have no idea what the hell is going on at YouTube like at all. So will leave that one last. All in all im really excited to work with these people and excited to share them with you (trust me these people are awesome.)

So there it is my master plan all laid out before you. but given my latest analytics I don’t have to worry about any one reading these so this is the safest place for them. Now im off to do my parental duties. wish me luck and as always may the swine guide your path.

Posted in mental health, slice of life, Therapy, Uncategorized, Update

“The words of the prophets are written on the subway walls And tenement halls And whispered in the sounds of silence…”

****I go real on this post. so TRIGGER warring******

I have not forgotten about you. The sound of silence you have been herring is me actually working. Stepping out of my comfort zone. A few weeks ago I decided i was going to do something. I didn’t know what it was. All i knew is i had this urge to create that i had been suppressing for so long. I can remember the first indecent. I was 8 or 9 we were living on star and 2nd street, in Oakley California (just a mile up the road maybe ill add a picture of this house tomorrow ((if you don’t see this pic its cause i haven’t updated it but come back in a few hrs if you wanna see it.)) As i as saying i was 8 or 9 and we had just gotten back from shopping. We picked up a bunch of fruit, this is weird cause its the only memory i have of this much fruit ever in our house, I digress. So we have all this fruit apples, oranges, and bananas. I started putting them in the bowl with the apples on the bottom and the oranges on top, I broke apart the bundle of bananas up and put them around the bowl. Think shrimp cocktail. My step mom walked in and said something. Nothing mean or hurtful just brought attention to me and i hatted it. I was scared. something scared me, no idea what it was, or what was said i just know i was ashamed and didn’t want anyone to think i was………gay. wow… wtf no idea what just happened here. I am trying to go back there in my head. Go through the memory and see if i can recall any details. but all i keep feeling is i didn’t want anyone to know i WAS gay. you see when i was younger, so much younger than to-day. Sorry i had to. when i was growing up i suffered a lot, i mean a lot, of sexual abuse. We had two neighbors that raped me and preformed sexual acts with/on me. One of these neighbors was an adult male. I do not remember much about before or after the indecent. i can remember everything as it happened. crystal clear high-definition, down to the smell of the sheets. This said i have always wondered/worried if i was gay because of this indecent. i didn’t tell a soul about this until after my twenties. Growing up i was always defensive of homosexuals, witch wasn’t easy when your dad is religious. I took this stance because what if i was gay. I mean i did have a dick in my ass. Yeah i said it! I had another man penis in me was i gay? is that what makes you gay? now i know all these questions are stupid in the 21st century but i was 5 or 6 when this happened. The other sexual assault kept happening till i was 11ish. Directing it back to the fruit after that therapy session. At the time i thought my dad would think i was gay so i dumped all the fruit out and threw it back in the bowl in a mess. From that moment on i always suppressed my artistic side. I was already the fat kid, the poor kid, the sloppy kid, the stupid kid i didn’t want to add another target to my back. now me being the genius that i was in the 90’s decided to grow a NKOTB rat tail…..School was not a fun, happy place for me lol. Now jumping back in time to today. I am who i am. I Have decided to stop letting things hold me back. I decided to act. That’s why i have been away from the blog. I have been working, Planning. Wanna know whats funny. I was am afraid to tell my dad anything cause of the potential Judgment and doubt. There is no place in my head for doubt at this moment. I have known idea what im doing or if it will work. I can only take a chance and Take the Leap and hope i land on my feet. You miss 100% of the chances you don’t take.

Well wow that went some where I did not expect. There is a huge part of me that does not want to delete this, but there is a part of me that dose so I am going to listen to that voice. Lets see if it was the good one or bad. I am sorry if you didn’t like this one, but lets face it why are you still reading. To you the one who made it this far. Thank you. Thank you for excepting me and all my weirdness. I thank every one who reads and likes my post. It helps that kid inside know its OK to do you.

Posted in Motivation, slice of life, Uncategorized, Update

You know I’m still standing, better than I ever did, Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a little kid, I’m still standing after all this time, Picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind!

I have not forgotten about you!!! I have been working on stuff every day. New videos, Post, Pictures. Always trying to be creating these days, and its an amazing feeling. My head is so alive with ideas (OK i think that’s the weed but what ever it keeps me motivated.) I do need to get better with actually documenting here what i am doing. For example yesterday me and Liam Filmed a “LootCrate Unboxing video” this am i eddied it and it’s currently being uploaded. Been posting to Instagram at least twice a day (on good days) and at least once most days. I am still new to all this. Learning Adobe has been easy i guess.? The coding takes more brain power than I have most days so that is slowing me down a lot. Yesterday got my fall guide for college classes. really think im going to do it. Im going back to school! unfortunately im more Rodney Dangerfield and less Adam Sandler….. wait no that is the Better Option anyways. So i want to take a edditing class and a video production class this fall and im thinking coding in the winter. Its a huge comitment for me with Lando and all but a rolling stone gaters no moss right. Just Keep Swimming! Thank you for sticking with me. It has beem a fun ride and we really havent even started yet! im excited for where this is going. and i want to thank you all for the motivation and encuregment.

Posted in slice of life, Uncategorized, Update

It’s my life! It’s now or never, I ain’t gonna live forever, I just want to live while I’m alive!

“Can a man change the stars?”
“Yes William. If he believes enough, a man can do anything!”

― A Knights Tale

   I cant control much in this life. I Cant change how people treat me how they judge me, see me, or even trust me. The only thing i can change is how I choose to respond to such things.

“If we could change ourselves, the tendencies in the world would also change. As a man changes his own nature, so does the attitude of the world change towards him. … We need not wait to see what others do.”

These words have always moved me to better myself. At times its so hard for me to follow through. Get up on time, Do what i need to do, adulting.  Adulting is hard, i have known idea what I am doing. Dose anyone? How do these people do it. It’s a struggle every day just to get 4 kids up and ready to school. I should get an award for the fact i have yet to kill one yet (from not knowing what Im doing or for dealing with their shit.) I think a lot of the struggle comes from my own childhood. I know, I know, “Sigmund Freud’s psychoanalytic theory of personality argues that human behavior is the result of the interactions among three component parts of the mind: the id, ego, and superego.”  There is also the whole nature vs nurture thing. Truth is i had a shitty child hood. Parents were jackasses (They tried so i got to give them that) and do to drugs and continuing cycles my own personal hell was created. That is not what this is about….today. This story has everything to Changing that. I have tried so hard to change my world. I have succeeded and failed many times on this journey. Two steps forward and one step back but i keep going. My kids have a life i never had. In all ways better and in their own ways its rough.  Were poor. We make due but were always living hand to mouth. Even tho i dropped out in the ninth grade and i got my G.E.D in 2006 and worked my ass of to build what i have. I got married Had 2 kids and started working a steady job. 2 steps forward, Then in 08 life sucked. Lost my job like every one else. My wife decided to leave me, one step back. I pulled my self back from a dark place. Wife came back with twins. Took on two more kids. moved to Oregon. Two steps forward. Wife decides she’s done with me again and this time it sticks. I move back to cali. One step backwards, See the pattern. Now i am not complaining, just telling a story. Giving you a peek behind the keys if you will. The long story short, We can only change who we are. Every day i wake up and try to do better than the last. New struggles, old problems they will always be there, we can’t change it. So stop trying. One thing that i found that helps is a line from an Alice Cooper song.

All of my life was a laugh and a joke
And a drink and a smoke
And then I passed out on the floor
Again and again and again and again and again

With a smile and a joke, I manage to get by. I try so hard not to take life Serious. Kids are annoying, the customer is always an Asshole and the only two things you can count on is death and taxes. So why let it get to you. Tomorrow we get to try again. Life is what YOU make it so why not let it be Rainbows and lollipops. No I’m not saying if something sucks  get over it. You have every right to feel, that’s what makes us who we are.  What I am trying to say is It will get better as long as you keep moving forward.

 

Wow i have no idea what that is. I never know whats going to come out when i sit down here. i am not going to edit it. It is what it is. so if you agree or not let me know. please i need some Critiques. I have never written before so any notes are welcome. Thanks for taking some time and reading the ramblings of an idiot.