Posted in mental health, slice of life, Therapy

When you dig my grave, Could you make it shallow? So that I can feel the rain.

I know it’s been a minute. I’m sorry. Life has a way of doing things to derail even the best of plans. Feeling it today. Someone once said, “there is no free lunch, everything has its price.” Been feeling really good last few days. Well yes and no. There has been a lot of joy and happiness. Yesterday I felt my self-slip. Woke up did my thing and felt good. Left the house and within a few minutes, I felt lost. Went to see my Nana and Nano. Sitting at the grave wishing I had someone looking after me. I broke down. Now I didn’t go there because I believe they can hear me or they’re looking down on me from where ever, I went there because I knew it was quiet and alone. I go to the cemetery a lot. I like to take Lando there he likes sitting on the crypts and there is never anyone there (this is the oldest of the cemeteries here so no one is being added) but I love how alone it can be. With my phone off it really is where I can tune out the world. There is a tree planted on one of the graves that have wind chimes in it, that’s where I sit. I should have seen this coming then. I have no reason to be depressed. I have love and health and a roof over my head (for the time being) but I feel the darkness seeping in any way. We’re having money trouble as does everyone these days. Even tho I bring in money taking care of Lando, i don’t feel like I work. This issue is causing me so much despair. I have worked since I was 12 years old. Pushing a lawn mower for blocks making $100 a weekend. Now, I just do my thing, taking care of lando (not an easy task but I love him so it doesn’t feel like work) not being able to take care of everyones wants, not just there needs is how I feel I’m doing good in life. I never want to be rich I just want to pay my bills and be able to do something extra every payday. I want to travel, I have never had a vacation in my adult life (ok I did go on my honeymoon so that counts so 1) My kids have never been to Disney land or anything like that but they are happy kids. I feel like I can’t offer anyone anything. Had a great talk with my ex-wife today. She said a lot of great things about me to me. Now, this would make a normal person feel good. Not me. Instead, it hurt because if I am and was all these things why did you leave? Why was I thrown away like trash? Jenna is amazing but we have our issues from time to time, what relationship doesn’t? So my head starts turning over everything and goes to the place in most comfortable, self-deprecation. Now I’m sitting in the bath trying not to wallow in self-pity. It’s hard not to. I feel worthless. How could I feel the love I so desperately crave when I’ve never felt it from those closest to me. I know they love me and I them. To feel it. To really know I’m loved by someone despite my self. To feel someone loves me, to truly feel it, would feel so good.

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Posted in mental health, slice of life, Therapy, Update

Communication breakdown, Its always the same, I’m having a nervous breakdown, Drive me insane! (Sorry for the lack of communication).

Now this is the story all about how
My life got flipped, turned upside down
And I’d like to take a minute just sit right there
I’ll tell you how I became a train wreck

I was doing so well. Was on top of everything, and pushing my self hard. Then the fates stepped in and smacked me back into place. Life got hard. Not “oh man a friend canceled on me” hard but “Hey you’re getting evicted if you don’t come up with $800”  hard. So I do what I always do weather the storm and fight. ended up borrowing some money ($400) from my dad. Easy peasy right. I wish. The Price was almost too much to pay. I love my dad don’t get me wrong. The guy can be an asshole. He spent the 3 hrs I was with him, to tear me down and remind me just how shit, I am, my life is, and how I’m not worth the skin on my back. real fun times. Now I got the money I needed albeit emotionally broken but alive.

Next day I put out that fire. Cue the next level boss. My apartments call me and let me know I need to fill out paperwork or I’m getting evicted if it’s not done by Friday (don’t ask why or what I still have no idea) So I get them what they need and all is good. So it seems. Next day BOOM power goes out on a Friday at 1pm. I didn’t get a notice or anything (that anyone in my house wanted to share with me anyway) again had to borrow money. Ugh, I hate having to do that.  now all emergencies are done I can relax a bit.  Nope.

Anyways the problems after that are much more personal than id like to share atm. That said I’m trying to keep my self-alive. I haven’t forgotten about this. I will be back and Stronger than ever.

Posted in mental health, slice of life, Therapy

A weird way to react to Mothers Day. (how June Cleaver saved my life)

I woke up with a lot of weird feelings today. I really don’t know if this will be published. I’m just going to go through the emotions with you. My mother and I are not that close. I try not to let all the shit from growing up affect me now. That is so easy to say, Very hard to do. I’m allowed to feel, right? I guess the hardest thing for me is growing up, My mom wasn’t there for me. Now she was present, sometimes. Drugs played such a huge part in my childhood. My Mom did and sold a lot of drugs. I don’t fault her there, tho I know some of you will. My mother tried to do the best she could. … I guess. Ugh, this is so hard to write today. Part of me Loves her for something, Life I guess.?. I know now that she’s clean. She’s trying to move on and I forgive her. This story is and isn’t about her. I guess the reason for all the internal struggle, lies in me. Right, great insight Karl, You come up with that all by your self. Okay, self-depreciation aside. I think what hurts the most is all the people I put my love into growing up.  I put a lot of trust and love into others growing up. Friends moms, a girlfriends mom, Stepmom’s and at the end of the day I feel like I have no one.  Don’t get me wrong my mom is alive and doing ok (bad health) but I don’t have that connection.  No one I can talk to. No one to run to when life gets hard. It gets hard a lot. Days like today make me really feel alone. like I’m drifting through the void and there is no light. Now I know Mommy issues are so attractive right.

I’ve learned through the years, my trust was misplaced.  The Love I gave away so freely was never returned. I respected these women, I thank them for everything they did for me. But, at the end of the day, I was not their child. The connection only went one way.  They are at no fault. This isn’t them being mean. This is just life. I was not their child. The Image of a mother I thrust upon them, I was looking for a mother. In the movies, I would have been excepted, loved unconditionally, taken under the wing and the empty hole would be filled. This isn’t a movie. Today I sit here and type this out, I feel it all. The anger, the sadness, Regret, and loss. I feel like I lost out on something special.

At 34 with four kids and a self-examining tendency. I try to be there for my kids. I know I am nowhere near perfect. I have my own flaws. No one is perfect, but I try every day to give my kids what I was missing. Unconditional love, Understanding, and someone they can come to with whatever, whenever. I try to be the Television parent.  Maybe this is all ABC’s fault for the TGIF in the 90’s. I grew up watching these Loving and understanding parents flood their tv children with all the attention and love and understanding you could take without gagging. I don’t know if taking my parenting queue’s from tv was the best idea (blame my parents) but at the end of the day, it was the best I had to offer. Family Matters, Step by Step, Full House these were the parents that raised me. They didn’t do half bad. Growing up I was anti-drug, Pro womans rights, non-discriminatory, and always willing to hear the other side of an argument. they taught me more about life than any “real” person in my upbringing. Guess this should have been called “How June Cleaver saved my life”

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Posted in mental health, slice of life, Therapy, Uncategorized, Update

“The words of the prophets are written on the subway walls And tenement halls And whispered in the sounds of silence…”

****I go real on this post. so TRIGGER warring******

I have not forgotten about you. The sound of silence you have been herring is me actually working. Stepping out of my comfort zone. A few weeks ago I decided i was going to do something. I didn’t know what it was. All i knew is i had this urge to create that i had been suppressing for so long. I can remember the first indecent. I was 8 or 9 we were living on star and 2nd street, in Oakley California (just a mile up the road maybe ill add a picture of this house tomorrow ((if you don’t see this pic its cause i haven’t updated it but come back in a few hrs if you wanna see it.)) As i as saying i was 8 or 9 and we had just gotten back from shopping. We picked up a bunch of fruit, this is weird cause its the only memory i have of this much fruit ever in our house, I digress. So we have all this fruit apples, oranges, and bananas. I started putting them in the bowl with the apples on the bottom and the oranges on top, I broke apart the bundle of bananas up and put them around the bowl. Think shrimp cocktail. My step mom walked in and said something. Nothing mean or hurtful just brought attention to me and i hatted it. I was scared. something scared me, no idea what it was, or what was said i just know i was ashamed and didn’t want anyone to think i was………gay. wow… wtf no idea what just happened here. I am trying to go back there in my head. Go through the memory and see if i can recall any details. but all i keep feeling is i didn’t want anyone to know i WAS gay. you see when i was younger, so much younger than to-day. Sorry i had to. when i was growing up i suffered a lot, i mean a lot, of sexual abuse. We had two neighbors that raped me and preformed sexual acts with/on me. One of these neighbors was an adult male. I do not remember much about before or after the indecent. i can remember everything as it happened. crystal clear high-definition, down to the smell of the sheets. This said i have always wondered/worried if i was gay because of this indecent. i didn’t tell a soul about this until after my twenties. Growing up i was always defensive of homosexuals, witch wasn’t easy when your dad is religious. I took this stance because what if i was gay. I mean i did have a dick in my ass. Yeah i said it! I had another man penis in me was i gay? is that what makes you gay? now i know all these questions are stupid in the 21st century but i was 5 or 6 when this happened. The other sexual assault kept happening till i was 11ish. Directing it back to the fruit after that therapy session. At the time i thought my dad would think i was gay so i dumped all the fruit out and threw it back in the bowl in a mess. From that moment on i always suppressed my artistic side. I was already the fat kid, the poor kid, the sloppy kid, the stupid kid i didn’t want to add another target to my back. now me being the genius that i was in the 90’s decided to grow a NKOTB rat tail…..School was not a fun, happy place for me lol. Now jumping back in time to today. I am who i am. I Have decided to stop letting things hold me back. I decided to act. That’s why i have been away from the blog. I have been working, Planning. Wanna know whats funny. I was am afraid to tell my dad anything cause of the potential Judgment and doubt. There is no place in my head for doubt at this moment. I have known idea what im doing or if it will work. I can only take a chance and Take the Leap and hope i land on my feet. You miss 100% of the chances you don’t take.

Well wow that went some where I did not expect. There is a huge part of me that does not want to delete this, but there is a part of me that dose so I am going to listen to that voice. Lets see if it was the good one or bad. I am sorry if you didn’t like this one, but lets face it why are you still reading. To you the one who made it this far. Thank you. Thank you for excepting me and all my weirdness. I thank every one who reads and likes my post. It helps that kid inside know its OK to do you.