Posted in mental health, slice of life, Therapy

When you dig my grave, Could you make it shallow? So that I can feel the rain.

I know it’s been a minute. I’m sorry. Life has a way of doing things to derail even the best of plans. Feeling it today. Someone once said, “there is no free lunch, everything has its price.” Been feeling really good last few days. Well yes and no. There has been a lot of joy and happiness. Yesterday I felt my self-slip. Woke up did my thing and felt good. Left the house and within a few minutes, I felt lost. Went to see my Nana and Nano. Sitting at the grave wishing I had someone looking after me. I broke down. Now I didn’t go there because I believe they can hear me or they’re looking down on me from where ever, I went there because I knew it was quiet and alone. I go to the cemetery a lot. I like to take Lando there he likes sitting on the crypts and there is never anyone there (this is the oldest of the cemeteries here so no one is being added) but I love how alone it can be. With my phone off it really is where I can tune out the world. There is a tree planted on one of the graves that have wind chimes in it, that’s where I sit. I should have seen this coming then. I have no reason to be depressed. I have love and health and a roof over my head (for the time being) but I feel the darkness seeping in any way. We’re having money trouble as does everyone these days. Even tho I bring in money taking care of Lando, i don’t feel like I work. This issue is causing me so much despair. I have worked since I was 12 years old. Pushing a lawn mower for blocks making $100 a weekend. Now, I just do my thing, taking care of lando (not an easy task but I love him so it doesn’t feel like work) not being able to take care of everyones wants, not just there needs is how I feel I’m doing good in life. I never want to be rich I just want to pay my bills and be able to do something extra every payday. I want to travel, I have never had a vacation in my adult life (ok I did go on my honeymoon so that counts so 1) My kids have never been to Disney land or anything like that but they are happy kids. I feel like I can’t offer anyone anything. Had a great talk with my ex-wife today. She said a lot of great things about me to me. Now, this would make a normal person feel good. Not me. Instead, it hurt because if I am and was all these things why did you leave? Why was I thrown away like trash? Jenna is amazing but we have our issues from time to time, what relationship doesn’t? So my head starts turning over everything and goes to the place in most comfortable, self-deprecation. Now I’m sitting in the bath trying not to wallow in self-pity. It’s hard not to. I feel worthless. How could I feel the love I so desperately crave when I’ve never felt it from those closest to me. I know they love me and I them. To feel it. To really know I’m loved by someone despite my self. To feel someone loves me, to truly feel it, would feel so good.

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