I get these visions of grander, champagne wishes and caviar dreams.. I’m sure we all get them. Mine come in at 3 am in a fire. Waking me up, feeling that growing joy of success you already know you tasted. Three weeks go buy and now its just another failed dream of the lonely and the lost. This is my story. Every few months i get a fire lit under me and a drive that i cant fight. A new hobby here a Quick study of Astrophysics there. for a few days, weeks, I am lost in a sea of information and discovery. Always Chasing the dragon of dedication and creationism i long to have.
I want to create. I want to make. Build, paint, sculpt, draw, color, sow, weave, play, write. In the Name of Life i want to create. I want to be bigger than myself. Give myself. Take all that i have and poor it into something. I want my own. I have nothing left of my life, far from a few pictures and even fewer keepsakes. I have lost everything and started over so much, I fear, that i don’t know how to keep going. No where in my life was i shown how to finish anything. Never made to follow threw with anything, i find it hard now to except stability. Makes sense i guess.
so far 2018 has not been to bad. Started this year driven to make a change. A change in who i am, a change in who i wanted to be. We all see our self as something. I have been a fat baseball player when i was like 8. Had a New Kids On The Block rat tail till i was like 11. Went threw a good Christian boy, always in youth group, Acquire the Fire, Weekend revival kid ti i was 14. Then i discovered ROCK AND ROLL. when i was 14 my dad ( a pastor in training) Rented (yes i know ohhhhh this guys old) the movie “The Song remains the Same” by Led Zeppelin. Yep i was sold the video/live version of “No Quarter” Blew my mind! yep a Classic Case of Led Zeppelin changed my life. then at 15 the worst happened i fell for a goth girl. Sold my soul to Marilyn Manson for a 36 DD she was amazing, and Manson freed my mind. Next was the Heard Core rocker then the tough guy bouncer. My last change happened some where between a failing marriage and cancer scare. i fond that those people were not me. they were what i wanted to be seen as. Cover your scars, cake on some more make up the show is about to start. I started to get nerdy OK i always was, despite my best efforts at being cool that never happens. I fell in love with learning. By learning that i did not know anything really and that learning something is not like in school. I can look up any thing that comes to mind. it was beautiful. Now i feel a change coming on again. At 34 years old now I’m less scared of whats on the inside. i don’t know where ill end up tomorrow or the next. i hope its for the better. i always learn something about myself, the world and the people in it. One way or another.
well i totally got off track in that one. (i think) ended with a reality that i can live with tho. if you made it threw this far you must not be real because who the hell wants to read all that. i laugh at my self cause i cant lie to me. I want you to be reading i want you to take interest. I want to Create something and i hope this is it. lets see shall we…
The Mighty Swine