Posted in slice of life, Uncategorized

“wish you would step back from that ledge my friend, You could cut ties with all the lies, that you’ve been living in,”

I don’t really know how to start this one. Im tiered, its been a long few months. Been trying to keep my head up, stay positive, telling myself i got this. I do not got this. I feel like im doing this all on my own. My wife is here but shes not really hear. She has her own struggles, her own demonsDepression, anxiety. Tonight she told me something that i knew was coming. I knew it was coming because i myself have been feeling the same way. Tiered and burnt out.

For those of you who dont know. In November my ex wife called and said she couldn’t handle the kids and she was getting evicted. So i took the 3 (out of 4) older ones. All is/was good.  February 6 i get a message on Facebook, “come outside” she showed up with my son unannounced and unplanned with only the clothes on his back. Now we live in a small two bedroom apartment. Five of us we were cramped. To take on another was crazy. At first i told her “No” she had to get her shit together and figure it out. As we were arguing my son (who is Nonverbal Autistic) starts to take of his clothes. He is skin and bones. No lie he looked like one of the kids from the feed Africa commercials. He was beyond pale, hos tummy was distended. Every time i had seen him he was fully dressed and i had no idea he was that bad off. I told her to get out. I cleaned him up and rushed him to the ER.  His hemoglobin count was 4.3 and he was malnourished dehydrated and anemic. The Dr. Called him the walking dead. My heart sunk i almost sent him back with her. The guilt that my son had come so close to death ripped at me. 2 months we were in the hospital. We finally get out, Lando has a feeding tube and we have next to nothing. We set up a go fundme on the request of a friend. We got enough money to buy him a small bed, some cloths, diapers, and a car seat. The rest of the money went to gas (back and forth to the hospital about 71 miles round trip) and food.  He has been home about two weeks. Non stop he needs around the clock care. I get up at 6:30am and in bed by 2am every day. If im lucky i get 4.5 hrs of sleep. If you dont watch him he is into somthing, having a diaper blow out (has problems with his bowls and blater) or pulling out his feeding tube. My wife has never had any kids and has taken all this on no questions asked. I have to its my job as a father. But now going on three strait weeks and im burning out shes going crazy, were trying to move, and everyone that said they will help are getting tiered of helping. Now if we dont work we lose everything. So my wife works and i work. We never see each other. The other kids are starting to act out because there being pushed into the background. I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO. All the aid we been applying for is taking forever. We have no idea whats going on with the insurance. And i dont know how long we can keep going on this path. That brings me back to my first paragraph. My wife called me and told me we need to talk.  I know what its about. I just don’t know how to do it. I feel like it would be giving up on him. I can’t abandon him. Ugh. I hate this. It’s not fair to the other kids, its not fair to my wife, and it dosen’t seem fair to him. I have no idea what to do. I feel like im damned if I do and damned if I don’t. Please some one save me.

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