Posted in mental health, Polyamory, slice of life, Therapy, Uncategorized, Update

“All you need is love, love, love is all you need”

So its out there. My separation from my wife, after 7 years together we decided to call it quits. That’s what’s been going on in my absence. Now with every end, there is a beginning, A rebirth if you will.

What’s next? Well, I’m diving back into the wonderful world of polyamory. I met this amazing Woman and her husband. I meet “Red” on Instagram. As I sat watching the “World of Warcraft” movie, out of sheer boredom I decided to post a picture update. And she saw it and commented. What magic words did she use? “I’m on WOW right now lol” and with those words, my life changed. We started talking and within a few hours, it felt like I had known her my entire life. We share a love for almost everything, Games, books, movies, and history. We hit it off. This happened so organically before I knew it I was in love. we have talked for hours every day since then.

Now, what about the husband and my wife? THATS CHEATING! nope sorry it wasn’t. how can I say that? Well ever since I started dating at 15 I have always been in an open relationship. My wife and I were having problems. I am extremely loving and affectionate. I need Physical love and attention and a lot of it. My wife….not so much (now I am simplifying that down a million % I know she wouldn’t want our shit aired out) so out of love, she tried something new to her “Polyamory.” What is Polly you ask:

The practice, state or ability to have more than
one sexual loving relationship at the same time, with the full
knowledge and consent of all partners involved.
Now even tho we decided to try it, I was never actively looking for anyone. When “Red” came along I went to my wife for approval and her blessing. She gave it to me. Over the next few weeks, both relationships grew. Having that excitement of a new relationship showed me how I had been slacking in taking care of my wife. It was amazing. They were talking to each other and all was well.
Now my wife and I have always been opposites. I’m loud and outgoing, she is shy and quiet. She goes to church and I am a metal head. She is in recovery and I’m a pothead. We get along so well. we worked, I don’t know how but we worked. That said the stress of Issues we had before and what I can only assume the guilt of the church and social norms, got to her. So after 7 years, we decided that it was time to adjust our relationship. We love each other so much and we understood we both needed things the other person couldn’t give us. She left in November.
Now Back to “Red” okey red is also married and was recently Polly when we started talking. Our relationship grew. It felt like she was made for me. From our likes and hobbies to our sexual kinks. We goofed around and play games together. Then we met in real life. She flew out for a week. That week changed everything. My wife gave me the ok and I got the kids out of town. (you would not believe how hard I had to work for that one) It was unbelievable. We worked, and we worked so damn well. I did something I never got to do before, I collared her. She agreed to be mine. At that moment we were bound to each other.
So what about her husband? Well, we get along super well. It’s scary just how alike we are. 9/10 times we crack the same joke. We love the same movies. He’s a gamer. I went out of my way at the beginning of mine and Red relationship to talk to him and build that friendship. I wanted him to like me, after all, I was sleeping with his wife lol. I respect him, he respects me. We are both extremely confident and secure in who we are and our dick size that there is no stupid macho chest puffing. He is an amazing guy and a great father. I respect the hell out of him.
Ok now that I caught you up to speed (remember this is a summary, not the whole story) where does that leave me? Well with my wife gone and 4 kids, there was no way I could make it on my own where I am. Red and her husband and I decided to give this a shot. Were becoming a Triad. The gang and I are moving to WV. Taking a leap and stepping out of my comfort zone. I have never been to the east coast, hell the farthest east I’ve been is Reno NV. This is the scariest thing I have ever done But at the same time one of the most exciting. I have the potential of having the relationship and big family I have always wanted. I believe in love. “Love is a many splendid thing,
love lifts us up where we belong, all you need is love!”
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Posted in mental health, slice of life, Therapy

When you dig my grave, Could you make it shallow? So that I can feel the rain.

I know it’s been a minute. I’m sorry. Life has a way of doing things to derail even the best of plans. Feeling it today. Someone once said, “there is no free lunch, everything has its price.” Been feeling really good last few days. Well yes and no. There has been a lot of joy and happiness. Yesterday I felt my self-slip. Woke up did my thing and felt good. Left the house and within a few minutes, I felt lost. Went to see my Nana and Nano. Sitting at the grave wishing I had someone looking after me. I broke down. Now I didn’t go there because I believe they can hear me or they’re looking down on me from where ever, I went there because I knew it was quiet and alone. I go to the cemetery a lot. I like to take Lando there he likes sitting on the crypts and there is never anyone there (this is the oldest of the cemeteries here so no one is being added) but I love how alone it can be. With my phone off it really is where I can tune out the world. There is a tree planted on one of the graves that have wind chimes in it, that’s where I sit. I should have seen this coming then. I have no reason to be depressed. I have love and health and a roof over my head (for the time being) but I feel the darkness seeping in any way. We’re having money trouble as does everyone these days. Even tho I bring in money taking care of Lando, i don’t feel like I work. This issue is causing me so much despair. I have worked since I was 12 years old. Pushing a lawn mower for blocks making $100 a weekend. Now, I just do my thing, taking care of lando (not an easy task but I love him so it doesn’t feel like work) not being able to take care of everyones wants, not just there needs is how I feel I’m doing good in life. I never want to be rich I just want to pay my bills and be able to do something extra every payday. I want to travel, I have never had a vacation in my adult life (ok I did go on my honeymoon so that counts so 1) My kids have never been to Disney land or anything like that but they are happy kids. I feel like I can’t offer anyone anything. Had a great talk with my ex-wife today. She said a lot of great things about me to me. Now, this would make a normal person feel good. Not me. Instead, it hurt because if I am and was all these things why did you leave? Why was I thrown away like trash? Jenna is amazing but we have our issues from time to time, what relationship doesn’t? So my head starts turning over everything and goes to the place in most comfortable, self-deprecation. Now I’m sitting in the bath trying not to wallow in self-pity. It’s hard not to. I feel worthless. How could I feel the love I so desperately crave when I’ve never felt it from those closest to me. I know they love me and I them. To feel it. To really know I’m loved by someone despite my self. To feel someone loves me, to truly feel it, would feel so good.

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Posted in mental health, slice of life, Therapy, Update

Communication breakdown, Its always the same, I’m having a nervous breakdown, Drive me insane! (Sorry for the lack of communication).

Now this is the story all about how
My life got flipped, turned upside down
And I’d like to take a minute just sit right there
I’ll tell you how I became a train wreck

I was doing so well. Was on top of everything, and pushing my self hard. Then the fates stepped in and smacked me back into place. Life got hard. Not “oh man a friend canceled on me” hard but “Hey you’re getting evicted if you don’t come up with $800”  hard. So I do what I always do weather the storm and fight. ended up borrowing some money ($400) from my dad. Easy peasy right. I wish. The Price was almost too much to pay. I love my dad don’t get me wrong. The guy can be an asshole. He spent the 3 hrs I was with him, to tear me down and remind me just how shit, I am, my life is, and how I’m not worth the skin on my back. real fun times. Now I got the money I needed albeit emotionally broken but alive.

Next day I put out that fire. Cue the next level boss. My apartments call me and let me know I need to fill out paperwork or I’m getting evicted if it’s not done by Friday (don’t ask why or what I still have no idea) So I get them what they need and all is good. So it seems. Next day BOOM power goes out on a Friday at 1pm. I didn’t get a notice or anything (that anyone in my house wanted to share with me anyway) again had to borrow money. Ugh, I hate having to do that.  now all emergencies are done I can relax a bit.  Nope.

Anyways the problems after that are much more personal than id like to share atm. That said I’m trying to keep my self-alive. I haven’t forgotten about this. I will be back and Stronger than ever.

Posted in Motivation, Writing Chalenge, Writing Doodle

SpaceShip (3/10)

It started with a tv show. “Space… The final frontier” said the disembodied voice. And then you see her. The USS Enterprise NCC-1701-d. I was caught it was the coolest thing I had seen as a kid. Take in mind this was the early 90’s the show was already into its lifespan. Going from the “Silver Hawks” and “Thunder Cats” to real life androids and the Borg! I was blown away. All the sudden the doors to science fiction were blown open. I devoured every episode every movie including and not limited to; bugging the manager of a Jack N The box for his name tag, because they were shaped like communicators at the time. This was 94 and I was ten when “Generations” came out. I started watching TOS and just wishing I could be Kirk.

I did not have a great upbringing. The lessons Trek taught me are still prevalent.

  1. Don’t be selfish: The needs of the many out way the needs of a few.
  2. Don’t be a Racist or sexist: Female Chief Security officer that kicks ass. Almost all data episodes. Warf! The first interracial kiss. Sulu (Oh My) I could go on and on
  3. Be a captain but there is always more to learn
  4. Keep learning and exploring; “…Seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go where no one has gone before.”

And for me the most important. You can do everything right, and still lose. You have to face fear. To quote another brilliant SiFi series “Fear is the mind killer” in the new time line there is a quote that i always loved.
“The purpose is to experience fear, fear in the face of certain death, to accept that fear, and maintain control of oneself and one’s crew. This is the quality expected in every Starfleet captain.”

This is how i live my life. Think logically and steady. Anything I’m going threw is not impossible its just difficult. With my family or at work this is something that has always made me thrive under pressure. At the end of the day tho. It was that ship. The way it felt so real to me as it flew threw space.

Oh and one last thing.

Live Long and Prosper 🖖

Posted in mental health, slice of life, Therapy

A weird way to react to Mothers Day. (how June Cleaver saved my life)

I woke up with a lot of weird feelings today. I really don’t know if this will be published. I’m just going to go through the emotions with you. My mother and I are not that close. I try not to let all the shit from growing up affect me now. That is so easy to say, Very hard to do. I’m allowed to feel, right? I guess the hardest thing for me is growing up, My mom wasn’t there for me. Now she was present, sometimes. Drugs played such a huge part in my childhood. My Mom did and sold a lot of drugs. I don’t fault her there, tho I know some of you will. My mother tried to do the best she could. … I guess. Ugh, this is so hard to write today. Part of me Loves her for something, Life I guess.?. I know now that she’s clean. She’s trying to move on and I forgive her. This story is and isn’t about her. I guess the reason for all the internal struggle, lies in me. Right, great insight Karl, You come up with that all by your self. Okay, self-depreciation aside. I think what hurts the most is all the people I put my love into growing up.  I put a lot of trust and love into others growing up. Friends moms, a girlfriends mom, Stepmom’s and at the end of the day I feel like I have no one.  Don’t get me wrong my mom is alive and doing ok (bad health) but I don’t have that connection.  No one I can talk to. No one to run to when life gets hard. It gets hard a lot. Days like today make me really feel alone. like I’m drifting through the void and there is no light. Now I know Mommy issues are so attractive right.

I’ve learned through the years, my trust was misplaced.  The Love I gave away so freely was never returned. I respected these women, I thank them for everything they did for me. But, at the end of the day, I was not their child. The connection only went one way.  They are at no fault. This isn’t them being mean. This is just life. I was not their child. The Image of a mother I thrust upon them, I was looking for a mother. In the movies, I would have been excepted, loved unconditionally, taken under the wing and the empty hole would be filled. This isn’t a movie. Today I sit here and type this out, I feel it all. The anger, the sadness, Regret, and loss. I feel like I lost out on something special.

At 34 with four kids and a self-examining tendency. I try to be there for my kids. I know I am nowhere near perfect. I have my own flaws. No one is perfect, but I try every day to give my kids what I was missing. Unconditional love, Understanding, and someone they can come to with whatever, whenever. I try to be the Television parent.  Maybe this is all ABC’s fault for the TGIF in the 90’s. I grew up watching these Loving and understanding parents flood their tv children with all the attention and love and understanding you could take without gagging. I don’t know if taking my parenting queue’s from tv was the best idea (blame my parents) but at the end of the day, it was the best I had to offer. Family Matters, Step by Step, Full House these were the parents that raised me. They didn’t do half bad. Growing up I was anti-drug, Pro womans rights, non-discriminatory, and always willing to hear the other side of an argument. they taught me more about life than any “real” person in my upbringing. Guess this should have been called “How June Cleaver saved my life”

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Posted in Writing Chalenge, Writing Doodle, YouTube

Today I….. (Day 2/10)

Today I finished Cobra Kai on YouTube red. It was an amazing show. It really got me thinking, Was this a Star Wars story? The whole show revolves around Light and Dark and Balance. The struggles each character faces. Dealing with the internal battle all, forces of the dark side. Johny is your typical Sith but his true divinity points him to the light. Danny is your Jedi the old guard who has become detached from the ways of the force. Ther young padawans each fighting and growing in there quest for balance. It’s a great Star Wars story. In my opinion, its a lot better Star Wars movie than The Last Jedi was.

Posted in Motivation, Uncategorized, Update, Writing Chalenge, Writing Doodle

Trying something new.

Okay, so I’ve been completely obsessed with skillshare as of late. I decided to check out a “class” about writing challenges. The object is to write for anywhere from five to fifteen minutes on a prompt. The first day is “Today I noticed” and I go on a ten-minute rant on hot dogs. I can’t wait to see what the next one is. Please if you like the idea please join in and leave your writing doodle in the comments.