Posted in Motivation, Writing Chalenge, Writing Doodle

SpaceShip (3/10)

It started with a tv show. “Space… The final frontier” said the disembodied voice. And then you see her. The USS Enterprise NCC-1701-d. I was caught it was the coolest thing I had seen as a kid. Take in mind this was the early 90’s the show was already into its lifespan. Going from the “Silver Hawks” and “Thunder Cats” to real life androids and the Borg! I was blown away. All the sudden the doors to science fiction were blown open. I devoured every episode every movie including and not limited to; bugging the manager of a Jack N The box for his name tag, because they were shaped like communicators at the time. This was 94 and I was ten when “Generations” came out. I started watching TOS and just wishing I could be Kirk.

I did not have a great upbringing. The lessons Trek taught me are still prevalent.

  1. Don’t be selfish: The needs of the many out way the needs of a few.
  2. Don’t be a Racist or sexist: Female Chief Security officer that kicks ass. Almost all data episodes. Warf! The first interracial kiss. Sulu (Oh My) I could go on and on
  3. Be a captain but there is always more to learn
  4. Keep learning and exploring; “…Seek out new life and new civilizations, to boldly go where no one has gone before.”

And for me the most important. You can do everything right, and still lose. You have to face fear. To quote another brilliant SiFi series “Fear is the mind killer” in the new time line there is a quote that i always loved.
“The purpose is to experience fear, fear in the face of certain death, to accept that fear, and maintain control of oneself and one’s crew. This is the quality expected in every Starfleet captain.”

This is how i live my life. Think logically and steady. Anything I’m going threw is not impossible its just difficult. With my family or at work this is something that has always made me thrive under pressure. At the end of the day tho. It was that ship. The way it felt so real to me as it flew threw space.

Oh and one last thing.

Live Long and Prosper 🖖

Advertisements
Posted in mental health, slice of life, Therapy

A weird way to react to Mothers Day. (how June Cleaver saved my life)

I woke up with a lot of weird feelings today. I really don’t know if this will be published. I’m just going to go through the emotions with you. My mother and I are not that close. I try not to let all the shit from growing up affect me now. That is so easy to say, Very hard to do. I’m allowed to feel, right? I guess the hardest thing for me is growing up, My mom wasn’t there for me. Now she was present, sometimes. Drugs played such a huge part in my childhood. My Mom did and sold a lot of drugs. I don’t fault her there, tho I know some of you will. My mother tried to do the best she could. … I guess. Ugh, this is so hard to write today. Part of me Loves her for something, Life I guess.?. I know now that she’s clean. She’s trying to move on and I forgive her. This story is and isn’t about her. I guess the reason for all the internal struggle, lies in me. Right, great insight Karl, You come up with that all by your self. Okay, self-depreciation aside. I think what hurts the most is all the people I put my love into growing up.  I put a lot of trust and love into others growing up. Friends moms, a girlfriends mom, Stepmom’s and at the end of the day I feel like I have no one.  Don’t get me wrong my mom is alive and doing ok (bad health) but I don’t have that connection.  No one I can talk to. No one to run to when life gets hard. It gets hard a lot. Days like today make me really feel alone. like I’m drifting through the void and there is no light. Now I know Mommy issues are so attractive right.

I’ve learned through the years, my trust was misplaced.  The Love I gave away so freely was never returned. I respected these women, I thank them for everything they did for me. But, at the end of the day, I was not their child. The connection only went one way.  They are at no fault. This isn’t them being mean. This is just life. I was not their child. The Image of a mother I thrust upon them, I was looking for a mother. In the movies, I would have been excepted, loved unconditionally, taken under the wing and the empty hole would be filled. This isn’t a movie. Today I sit here and type this out, I feel it all. The anger, the sadness, Regret, and loss. I feel like I lost out on something special.

At 34 with four kids and a self-examining tendency. I try to be there for my kids. I know I am nowhere near perfect. I have my own flaws. No one is perfect, but I try every day to give my kids what I was missing. Unconditional love, Understanding, and someone they can come to with whatever, whenever. I try to be the Television parent.  Maybe this is all ABC’s fault for the TGIF in the 90’s. I grew up watching these Loving and understanding parents flood their tv children with all the attention and love and understanding you could take without gagging. I don’t know if taking my parenting queue’s from tv was the best idea (blame my parents) but at the end of the day, it was the best I had to offer. Family Matters, Step by Step, Full House these were the parents that raised me. They didn’t do half bad. Growing up I was anti-drug, Pro womans rights, non-discriminatory, and always willing to hear the other side of an argument. they taught me more about life than any “real” person in my upbringing. Guess this should have been called “How June Cleaver saved my life”

tgif

Posted in Writing Chalenge, Writing Doodle, YouTube

Today I….. (Day 2/10)

Today I finished Cobra Kai on YouTube red. It was an amazing show. It really got me thinking, Was this a Star Wars story? The whole show revolves around Light and Dark and Balance. The struggles each character faces. Dealing with the internal battle all, forces of the dark side. Johny is your typical Sith but his true divinity points him to the light. Danny is your Jedi the old guard who has become detached from the ways of the force. Ther young padawans each fighting and growing in there quest for balance. It’s a great Star Wars story. In my opinion, its a lot better Star Wars movie than The Last Jedi was.

Posted in Motivation, Uncategorized, Update, Writing Chalenge, Writing Doodle

Trying something new.

Okay, so I’ve been completely obsessed with skillshare as of late. I decided to check out a “class” about writing challenges. The object is to write for anywhere from five to fifteen minutes on a prompt. The first day is “Today I noticed” and I go on a ten-minute rant on hot dogs. I can’t wait to see what the next one is. Please if you like the idea please join in and leave your writing doodle in the comments.

Posted in Motivation, Writing Chalenge, Writing Doodle

Today I noticed… (Day 1/10)

It’s the bread. The bread of a Costco hot dog is what really sets them apart. Its the soft and steamy bun and the crisp snap of the hotdog. Then there are the sesame seeds. Overall its a perfect combo of soft and firm. Moist and juicy that play so well together. Now I like my hotdog plain. Nothing to distract from the taste. There are two things I love on my hotdogs: Cheese and chilly. Caspers hotdog is a close second to the Costco hotdog. The crisp of a Caspers dog is unmatched. Now I’m sorry Hebrew National and ballpark your not gonna cut it. That said I think no one here will argue that any hot dog BBQ and cooked to well done, taste amazing. Now the only thing for me to try is a real New York street dog. I also hear Chicago do not fuck around with there hot dogs. Until I actually try them Costco is king.

Posted in Motivation, slice of life, Uncategorized

It’s something unpredictable, but in the end is right. I hope you had the time of your life.

I really wish I could write. Now I know, that’s what I’m doing now, but I want to write like my heroes. I wish the words would flow in the cascade of the beauty like that of Neil Gaiman, Or in the unabashed and unfiltered way of the Gonzo journalist Hunter S. Thompson.  I do not want to be them, only wish my words came out like there’s. I can only hope to one day be happy with what and how I write. My grammar is horrible, My spelling is downright a crime, and lastly, my imagination is nowhere to be found. Now I’m not just sitting down and wishing. I am doing the work. this blog is a huge step in that. something I always thought about doing. I remember reading an interview with someone and he was asked (and I’m paraphrasing here) “Do you only write when Inspired?”  and the author answered “Yes. luckily inspiration hits every day between 9am and 2 pm.”  I always loved that and it has stuck with me for a long time. So now I try my hardest to make this time. I wait till after the kids are all off to school and the house is quiet. then I sit here looking at this snow write page,  wondering what in god’s name I’m going to put on it. I never have a plan, I think that shows. The good news this blog is for me so I’m not scared to just throw whatever is on my mind at the screen and see what sticks. I’m happy with it so far. I do plan on taking some classes in writing and journalism. Now I don’t want to write a novel or become a Pulitzer prized writer by any means. I just want the words to flow out of me onto the screen in a cascade if vocabulary beauty. Is that too much to ask for?

Posted in Motivation, slice of life, Uncategorized, Update

“Gonna try with a little help from my friends”

Well that last post was a joy ride, am I right. Well where do i go from there. the thing i love most about this process, is i never know what I’m going to end with. I sit here and tell my self, “Self do your thing.” and I get what I get.

Phase 2: Taking action.
So i started working with some on. We shall call her B. I meet with B in a few days to discuss our next step. That makes my next step trying to figure out what my next step should be. Adulating is hard. I wish i had faith in my work. Sure i know i can do what ever needs to be done or at least fake it till i make it. When it come time to talk money i freeze. I under value myself because what i can do seems so simple to me. So when i look at making a living i say to myself  “Who would pay X for that? Not me.” but I’m not the one in need of the services. so it’s a tough area for me. That said i do need to make a living at this so i have to come up with something.

Project 2: All in.

The other thing im working on involves my more people. I setting up my own super group of friends that i feel need to be shared with the world. I want my friends to do well. To grow and succeed, and i want to do everything i can to help them. so were starting up a Multimedia company. Will be launching with a Soft launch of our website. I want to launch the website in September, just as every one goes back to school.  Next will come the podcast this one will be fun just in the experimental phase trying to figure out what we are what our voice is. Last part of my three-part plan to take over the world, um i mean to launch will be the YouTube channel. this one is the end goal because i have no idea what the hell is going on at YouTube like at all. So will leave that one last. All in all im really excited to work with these people and excited to share them with you (trust me these people are awesome.)

So there it is my master plan all laid out before you. but given my latest analytics I don’t have to worry about any one reading these so this is the safest place for them. Now im off to do my parental duties. wish me luck and as always may the swine guide your path.